Cheshta TaterCo-founder, Rightantra For obvious reasons, people find secrets “shady”. Although they are not always, a request to keep it hush could be an indicator of child grooming. As a child, this is beyond comprehension. If you know better, the groomer will tell you that you do not. “You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath Sacred prayer and we'd swear” Being groomed is not a one-time incident. It occurs over a long period of time and leaves the victim, at the least, with severe trauma. In childhood, this trauma could reflect as depression, social anxiety, eating disorders, and even suicidal thoughts. In such times, it is important that parents are supportive and the child receives the requisite therapy. “And I might be okay, but I'm not fine at all” However, as we grow older, our coping mechanisms and responses to trauma change. We imbibe many toxic and abusive traits in our regular behaviour without realising that they are in fact toxic or a result of abusive relationships. The easily identifiable consequences include depression, social and/or sexual anxiety, PTSD, and substance abuse. Let us look at some other consequences that do not seem as obvious. Trauma Bonding This refers to the bond between the victim and the offender where the victim is loyal and affectionate toward the offender. Such feelings/bonds develop because of early-age exposure to trauma. Many children are unable to differentiate between “real” love and the affection they receive from their groomers. Thinking of the feelings of the groomer as genuine and acceptable, children develop a bond with the groomer. “And I was thinkin' on the drive down, "Any time now He's gonna say it's love," you never called it what it was” As years go by with the bond unbroken, the victim justifies the actions of the groomer or believes that both of them were hurt in this arrangement. “And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue? Just between us, did the love affair maim you too?” It is important to note that groomers specifically target children who are especially vulnerable. This allows the groomer to exploit this vulnerability to their advantage. For instance, children with stressed relations with their parents and children from low-income or socially oppressed groups,. The role in which the groomer has been introduced to the child will also affect the way in which the child is targeted. For example, a groomer in the educational profession would target children with either low scores or lure the child with the promise of high marks if they take “private” tuitions from them. Boundary Quandary Adults with a history of grooming at a young age face issues in determining healthy physical and emotional boundaries. Either these boundaries are blurred and you allow unwelcome touches or behaviour, or the walls are build up way too high to form emotional or physical relations again. The latter could also present as disassociation, a very common coping mechanism to protect oneself from emotional hurt. Absorbing Abuse A lot of abusive behaviour is deemed acceptable by many people, especially those who have grown up in or seeing abusive relationships. Although this behaviour makes them often uncomfortable and frequently unsafe, the same is tolerated. Very often, the victim blames themselves for the abusive behaviour of their abuser. So what is such behaviour? It could be harmful hypocrisy, even manipulation. “And you were tossing me the car keys, "Fuck the patriarchy" Keychain on the ground, we were always skippin' town” Name-calling and gaslighting are both signs of an abusive relationship. Relationships are based on mutual respect, which includes respecting each others’ emotions and pasts. Gaslighting can make one feel isolated and unable to express their feelings. People being gaslighted often find themselves apologizing for behaviour that they never committed. Victim-blaming is an aggravated form of gaslighting. Not everything is your fault. It is also not your role to fulfil unrealistic expectations your partner may have. You are a human with human capacities and a very human need to take a break, express your emotions, and be happy. “The idea you had of me, who was she? A never-needy, ever-lovely jewel whose shine reflects on you” Moving Forward
The first thing you need to do is to recognise and acknowledge that you are or were in fact in an abusive relationship. If you haven’t already, call it quits (if you feel unsafe in calling it out or off, read the next article in the series here). “I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still tryin' to find it” Next, you need to report this to the appropriate law enforcement agency, especially if this occurred while you were still a child (below 18 years of age). Stay tuned for our next article to know more (won't take too long). Step three is to find yourself a strong support from and get therapy. You may want to reach out to the Baatcheet Foundation as a start. It is free of cost. From here on, we believe it is best that your counsellor advises you, specific to your life. We will move forward with the law in our third and last article of the series.
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